Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Holy shit he’s back
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning