HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Thursday
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“That’s what” – She
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh