HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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I’m about to risk it all
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.