Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.