Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?