Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.