Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
me opening up to someone
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.