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@girlnarly: him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*
@IamEnidColeslaw: the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
@LeahJM: Oh you're single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
@KyleMcDowell86: [cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
@Jeffwni: [hears a voice in the sky]
- Is it you? GOD?!
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
@iwearaonesie: *wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
"Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"