The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.