Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.