Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*