My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.