Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
when there are deer in the woods
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.