Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
fixed it
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?