Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15