Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I came this close!!!!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs