Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets