@Ivsy01: Him: You'll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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@Playing_Dad: Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book Sargent: You arrested her? C: No S: Why? C: She's not done with the book
@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@astutenewf: Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.