Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
nature’s most graceful animal
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.