Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.