Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine