Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*