Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Y’all ready for this
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: