I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My dating profile:
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad