Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.