Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.