Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
You Might Also Like
mmm onion ringos
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits