him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
You Might Also Like
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me