OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
What the hell happened in there??
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Interior design 👌
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.