The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
How it started: How it’s going:
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Science memes
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not