Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.