Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome