him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.