him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
it was love at first sight
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea