Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Hot Hot Hot
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”