Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The point of your 20s
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”