Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Genius idea!!
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE