Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
This has made my week.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son