Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Autocorrect is my menesis
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.