Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here