shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
had to make it
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.