Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
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Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists