Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Hank is one in a melon.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.