“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.