Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly