@aparnapkin: Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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@Marlebean: Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming! Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids! Me:..for the kids...yeah
@bzamayo: Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
@Brianhopecomedy: *bakes 12 cookies* *waits for family to come home* *eats 12* *family arrives* 5 year old: "I SMELL COOKIES!" "Weird! Here's a salad."
@BrettDruck: I posted "I did it!!!" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.