Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!