Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Something Saturday.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.