*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
peak technology
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”