Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The best shot in the history of golf
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
this FaceApp is creepy af
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.