@XplodingUnicorn: Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I'm surprised you had sex.
@_SingleBabyMama: Everyone thinks it's so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it's "inappropriate" & "we need to talk."
@ShutUpThatsWho: [me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
@Smiilze: Forgot to turn on the oven. Food's been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
@Rollmaninoz: Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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