@XplodingUnicorn: Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex.

@_SingleBabyMama: Everyone thinks it's so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it's "inappropriate" & "we need to talk."

@ShutUpThatsWho: [me as a ninja] [a smoke ball is thrown in a park] [when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

@Smiilze: Forgot to turn on the oven. Food's been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

@Rollmaninoz: Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones ****** Password expired ****** Password expired ****** Password ex…