This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*