Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Don’t forget to tip your server
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.